I'm an AVP Mom

I'm an AVP Mom

I’m an All-Purpose Vehicle Mom

…Or an APV-Mom if you will.

I come fully equipped with an extra 4 arms you can’t see because they’re moving too fast. By the time the boogers shoot out of my toddler’s nose I’m there with a catcher’s mitt-sized wad of wet-wipes to take them away with a magician’s grace and flare, all while arms One and Two are sterilizing home-made organic baby food and arms Three and Four are typing a spirited rebuttal to Karen’s post on Why Children Shouldn’t Eat Processed foods like Chef Boyardee. (It’s a goddamned rite of passage, Karen! Don’t tell ME what to do)! Will I actually DO it? No. But I will always defend a mom’s right to choose. Besides, it encourages OTHER moms to do it and raise inferior offspring. It’s 2019 and we need every edge. That’s where mere Helicopter-Moms and Snowplow-Parents fall short. APV-Moms can do it all.

AVP moms come prepared for every contingency. We routinely scan social media for parenting trends to participate in because Hell-to-the-NO we’re not going to have OUR child fall behind. Nothing gets by us. Brandy-soaked frozen waffles for soothing teething pain is out for this generation and toddler Youtube-star training camps are in? You know we’ll be on it. Baby is falling behind in milestones? We’ll engage our Early-Underachiever-Detector-Mode™ and fire the regular nanny in place of a Scandinavian named Bjorn who has a Patented Three Point Plan for getting your child to roll over sooner. “You’re needing de herring in de bosom milk, ya? For making de strownger. And den using de vacuum for to startle. Den boop! De burbur is a rolling into de behavings! Den repeat repeat repeat, ja?”

You’ve probably never heard of half the techniques we use. We’re kind of hipster like that.    

APV-Moms come standard with Social Power Steering™ so we know what our child is going to even before they do and preemptively guide them. As a result, I can sense a zag coming long before my child even zigs. For instance, my daughter has NEVER had sugar. When she eventually decides to sneak a soda or a cupcake she will feel an all-encompassing physical revulsion that I will equate to her total character-failure with pamphlets featuring the words Not Even Once in red on the cover above a candy bar and a speech prepared on how our bodies are our temples and doesn’t she love herself? (Reminder: There’s no size bigger than XXX Petite at Haus of Kinder)! You can never be too proactive, Coddlers!    

As an APV-Mom I have everything I need on hand for any contingencies. Do you need a tissue? A band aid? A socket-wrench? Let me check my purse. Oh, you need validation for ordering the bagel breakfast combo instead of just getting something healthy and sticking to your diet? Sorry, bitch, I’m all out of enablement. You know what I do have, though? A fresh batch of tough-love. Now say ten Hail Marys and remember that you’re going to have to add an extra 45 minutes to your workout tonight which is time away from your family.

That’s right. Shame on you.

Here, let me get out my Cone of Shame for you to wear. It’s like a scarlet letter but it makes it harder for you to eat. I know it’s in here somewhere, possibly next to my tampons and under a copy of the Miranda Rights. You never know when you’ll go nose to nose with a mom who’s letting their kid play with a plastic bag over his head at Walmart because meddling is how APV-Moms assert their dominance over Beta-females. Yes, I shop there. I’m an AVP-Mom. I get the lowest prices on plastic couch covers. Do YOU get the lowest prices on plastic couch covers? Then shut-up and put on your cone.

My comments are purely constructive, I assure you. You’ll see things more clearly after I get you to try my fasting routine. You’ll still have to cook a full meal for the family and sit down to eat with them, your own plate full, but after a few weeks you’ll swear those three peas are totally filling. See, as an APV-Mom I take care of EVERYBODY, because not only do I know What’s Best, but I like to be affiliated with the best. This is the Winners Circle of suburbia. Float like a social butterfly, sting like a WASP. You’re my dear, dear Winner-Friend.

Don’t Eff it up.

As an AVP-Mom I can snow-plow as needed, too. If my child gets bullied by some kid – let’s call him Zachary -I simply snowplow him into a corner and shun him harder than a fundamentalist religious group shuns a member who snuck an electric butter churner into their home. (They were wondering how Jebediah’s wife was managing to get the butter churned AND weave her husband’s hay toupee in the SAME afternoon! - I’ll tell you how: Charity-Constance is a bad-ass APV-Mom, bitch)! But we were talking about Zachary. He’s been there for quite some time. He’s begun to question his own existence as his every utterance is ignored. Eventually he’ll swear he’s starting to fade and become transparent as he watches the rest of the group drink out of their juice-boxes and sing along to Daniel Tiger songs with a longing reserved for lighthouse keepers and grizzled old fishermen who miss a woman’s touch. Take THAT Zachary. Next time I’ll let you play with a plastic bag.

I can helicopter, too, when necessary. Behold the mighty sound of my helicopter blades (WOOMP WOOMP WOOMP!) as I fill out the premium daycare application FOR my toddler (shhhh)! As an APV-Mom I am gifted with the ability to convincingly color a picture at a kindergarten level in the space they provided to assess her level. (The trick is to look good but not to look TOO good. Also, if you can make the kitty’s tail look like a third leg/sausage/you-know-where-I’m-going-with-this, I hear they find that endearing). Harvard, here we come!

APV-Moms can out-crazy the crazies. If someone expects me to ask my child’s permission before changing their diaper I turn around and ask them why they didn’t ascertain if my child was in the right ‘mental place’ to hear a conversation about their no-no area. Boom.

As an APV-Mom I’ll be raising my child to be gender neutral. Not because it’s the “right thing” to do but because I want to see which gender wins first. Then we’ll choose. Winner’s Circle. Future passive-aggressivist and APV-Parent. Present-day toddler that can manipulate others at a first grade level.

I see you nodding your approval at how I handle things.

No, you can’t take off the cone until tomorrow.

I’m talking Winner-Circle, Sister.

WOOP-WOOP-WOOP

 

 

*No Karens were hurt in the writing of this post.

Allegra Khan, 2019